Huh.. it says to put a mini-biography here. Sure, why not?
Well, I was born in 1416, in the remote jungles of Scotland. By the time I was eight, the debate over who would win in a fight between ninjas and pirates was so heated, with so much death and hate nationwide, that I decided to go with Charles Lindbergh to Rhode Island. Of course, he died of smallpox soon after.
I was taken in by Pocahontas, but thrown out by Chief Red Bull after banging her. I had nowhere to go, and by this time I was ten. Being of sound body and mind, I joined the Cajuns in the Korean war, namely because the Koreans kept attacking the innocent Mayans.
By 1428, I witnessed Moses create an ocean to seperate most of the world from France, because instead of being affected by his plague of frogs, they just ate them. I'm pretty sure they were the psychadellic frogs, because I can't explain the existance of mimes in any other way.
By 1430, mimes overran France, and wanted in the still-hot debate of Ninjas Vs. Pirates. Of course, neither side would have any of that, and 90% of the world's mimes were rounded up by Hitler and crucified.
These were morbid times, and in an attempt to make the world a happier place, I became a porn star. I worked with the best of them - John Holmes (he quit and started using drugs after I kicked his ass for being an overall sick fuck), Peter North, Ron Jeremy, and the first Pope John Paul.
By 1435, people were too confident in themselves. They began to create a tower that would reach the heavens. Well, needless to say, a deity got pissed and split them up and gave them all different languages. Unfortunately, when the world split up, just like when Indiana Jones opened Pandora's Box, the evils of the world were released. Emo kids, annoying and fat little punk chicks, the Osbournes, The past 5 or 6 American presidents, a rather confusion selection of about 300 types of chewing gum, cancer, rap music, and a few other things here and there.
By about 1437, the world still hadn't leaned to cope with most of these things, and an attempt was made to go to the moon. Either so we could migrate there, or send all of those evils away from us. Well, the rocket ended up landing in Japan, permanently making everyone there incredibly, innncredibly.... odd.
Well, about now, I was living in a cave, when suddenly there was an earthquake. I was frozen for a few hundred years, and accidentally found in a lad's backyard as he was digging and building a pool. I later sold this idea to a movie company. And here I am today, taking a break from my adventures.. holding a steady job, in a studio apartment, and probably bored at the moment.